December 13, 2009

Break

[written on 11-21-08, 1:27am]

I have a bed I visit, on the third floor of the store, on crowded Saturday afternoons and empty Tuesday nights when the tears feel too familiar. Wrought iron cottage style frame, red patchwork quilt, sheets with crocheted ends, folded over to let the deep red fleece catch a breath of fresh air. Standing in front of the bed, my bed... I can see myself...

-- I am lying in it, high above the ocean below, waves crashing against the jagged gray rocks. I can smell the sea air, taste the salt, feel the spray. A chilly afternoon in mid-October, in my bed, between the glossy floorboards and rugged dark beams holding up the high ceilings. Cozy under the patchwork quilt, the only softness among the hardwood floors and towering ceiling. Centered in the vast open and empty space, devoid of daily clutter and tumbling thoughts. Light from the clouds, room to breathe, the crashing waves, sweet solitaire moments --

Standing in front of the bed, my bed, I effortlessly find myself lost in the future moments of calm and understanding. I have a bed I visit, on the third floor, on crowded Saturday afternoons and empty Tuesday nights.

Emile Zola

"i came to live out loud." written in bold next to bright colors splashed across the front. i pack, unpack, display, each time i move, over the years. a greeting card i keep. for myself. "i came to live out loud." it says. i am not loud. i am an introvert. i am an infj. this means i am quiet. and complicated. but i intend to live my life out loud. not with the loudest voice, screaming, screeching, bursting, demanding attention. yours and yours and yours. but i will express who i am. find my voice. to share. perhaps quietly, but still out loud. not kept to myself. living always means changing, growing, encompassing, pruning and blooming. life's circles. "live out loud." change out loud. grow out loud. even when i don't know. even when i am scared. but i am here. and here. so "if you asked me what i came into this world to do, i will tell you: i came to live out loud."