October 6, 2010

Love/Hate CrazyBusy

See that tag over there?  The one that says "love/hate crazybusy"?  I have a secret to tell you.  (Or maybe you already know?)  I miss using that tag.  My life has not been crazybusy for a few months.  In fact,  I don't think I could label it crazy or busy, so crazybusy is out of the question.  I miss it.  The last time I wasn't crazybusy was almost five years ago.  I lived in Vermont and worked about 45 hours a week.  My job was still a job (months later it would be a passion) and I spent most days waiting for the future (law school acceptance letter in my hand).  At night, I wrote in a blog without reservation, because only a handful of people knew it existed.  I think I had two readers the entire year. 
12th January, 2006. 12:14 am.
I went to the post office today for fun. Drove down the windy road a little too fast until I saw the icebergs in the river. 
She told me about the spring icebergs. Only it isn’t spring, and yet there they are. Jagged flats of ice, 8 inches thick that must float down the river until they catch on a rock. And others also accumulate there, shifting the weight until they’re all standing on end. 
So I slowed down to look at the spring icebergs on the river on my way to the post office for fun. But if it were spring all my questions would have answers. And there would be new questions. Or at least new variations of old questions. But my questions remain the same redundant questions that I’ve given up on. Perhaps that is why I am bored, because I have stopped asking questions. And instead I go to the post office for fun.
My backyard in Vermont

Check out the time stamp - I have always been a night writer.  Even when I was not crazybusy, my words came easiest at night.  Perhaps out of habit.  Perhaps out of nature's that-just-how-I-work mentality (night owl!).  I think that time stamp, despite not being crazybusy, was the start of changing a lifestyle that didn't fit quite right.  Weeks later, I was nostalgic for spring semester of my senior year of college when I hardly slept and drank my weight in coffee. 
19th February, 2006. 9:23 pm.
Hot cappuccino in the paper cup, green and thin, the warmth burns my hands before I remember to grab the cardboard sleeve. An extra boost added to my steady adrenaline flow, caramel colored but vanilla sweetness; even with caution I burn my tongue. If I could just learn to wait, I know that by the time I arrive the iced air will cool its contents enough to drink.

This year I don’t need cappuccino from a machine; I could sleep twelve hours a night if I wished. But I don’t. I’m too busy waiting for life to need a hot cappuccino in a paper cup.
The great thing about reading these old posts is that I know what happens.  That post was in the middle of February break for the school, and when I returned on Monday, my entire would would start to flip upside down.  I'll tell you the story sometime, but my days got long (I clocked a 90 hour week during March!), and my work consumed my heart, and I started drinking coffee every morning.

Part of that transition happened over night (due to an event that I wish didn't exist - be careful what you wish for!), and part of that transition happened because I decided to live a life I wanted, even if it didn't make sense.   I am happier when I am crazybusy.  So I decided to be crazybusy.  It worked - almost too well.  But it worked.  Do you see where I am going with this?  Do you think I am crazy?  I've decided to be crazybusy again - starting tomorrow.  I'm good with making to-do lists and starting projects, so tomorrow, I become crazybusy.  (Yes, I know, it is too perfect that the word crazy is in that term.  I've got to try this though, stick with me!)

I've been thinking about faith a lot lately.  Not in terms of religion, but more of what I believe out of the all of the things that one could believe.  Does everything happen for a reason?  Does hard work pay off?  Does it all come out in the wash?  If I had any worthwhile thoughts to share, I would write a post about it, but I don't think I do at this point, so I'll leave it at that.  BUT I have come up with somethings that I do know I have faith in - Crazybusy.  Coffee.  Writing (especially late at night).  Taking photos... 

Crazybusy is a part of who I am.  I'm happiest when I am busy.  (This is probably because I am also invested in what I am doing and thus busy.)  Busy has saved me from rough patches many times in the past.  Busy saved me the last time I found myself daydreaming about needing a late-night caffeine boost.  So I'm going to try it again.  Am I advocating this method as a healthy way to move through a rut in life?  Noooo... definitely not.  BUT I think the things I am going to keep myself busy with are healthy and productive (see that little list up there) AND I need to start leaning on the things I know I have faith in.  I'll let you know how it goes....

 The view from the hill mountain behind my apartment in Vermont

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