January 6, 2013

Leaps and Nets

"I think what I'm really looking for is some stability."

It was an unintentional confession that slipped out between fries and took me by surprise more than him. "Of course," he nodded, "it will come with time. Grad school is really one big leap of faith in which you hope the net appears in the future."

I agreed quickly, but I couldn't help but think of the bumps, scrapes, and bruises I got from the last time I took the leap. The last time when the net wasn't there. Forget bumps, scrapes, and bruises - I have wounds and scars.

But don't we all?

Maybe not from grad school (or law school) but from some time when we took a giant leap of faith and expected the net to be there in the future. And maybe the net wasn't there and maybe we will carry scars with us for the rest of our lives as a result. But maybe those scars don't hurt as much as they once did and we forget about them for longer or maybe we start to think of them as what makes us who we are and maybe even learn to love them a little bit along the way. And maybe we take the leap again.

I took the almost very same leap again. I'm proud of myself for it.

I spent Saturday walking around Brooklyn, exploring neighborhoods, thinking of the condo I want to buy someday. Someday kinda maybe soonish - as in a handful of years from now rather than a handful of decades. It's the same type of daydreaming I used to do five years ago, with thirty on my mind. It unexpectedly and quickly became impossible and that was somewhat heartbreaking.  So I put it aside and I haven't thought of it much in the past few years. But on Saturday those daydreams unexpectedly reemerged and I wondered around new neighborhoods, piecing together a new timeline. A timeline built on faith that this time the net will appear.

It's the faith in the net of which I'm most proud.

Leaping the second time took no more faith than knowing the lack of net didn't kill me the first time, so it probably wouldn't kill me a second time. Leaping the second time meant only putting my faith in my ability to survive. Faith the net will appear means more to me. It means I might not have to do it all on my own. I might actually thrive.

And if I can take this leap again and have faith this net will appear again, then maybe I can start taking a few other leaps of faith and one day believe in those nets again, too.

p.s. "leap and the net will appear" was an old mantra of mine years and years ago. i'm glad it's reappearing again.