Song of Myself

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

I am quiet.
Always the last to speak,
and when required,
usually filling silent space
with meaningless words.
Although
when extended,
they comprise a story
that holds much more.

I have strong fortress walls,
by nature and by design.
I leave people standing outside
for far too long
before I open the gated door.

I have before disdained these walls.
I have tried to tear them down
and scale the side of them.
But when I succeed,
I arrive on the other side
exhausted, disoriented, and vacant.
I let them be now.
I have opened the door
so many times
to so many people
that I am no longer afraid
they will keep anyone
who really wants in
out.

I am worth the effort
and without them
I wouldn't have an interior
I love.

Inside the walls,
I am quirky and colorful.
Have I told you today that I love you?
Let me count the ways.
I have an eclectic curiosity
with a soundtrack of laughter.

Yes, I can. Yes, you can. Let's do this.
I am sheer determination and persistence.
Fiercely independent and sincerely collaborative.
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself.
I take risks
and walk so far from my comfort zone
that I often can't find my way back.

I am not afraid to say
I don't know.

I am a listener
at my core.
Tell me your truth;
share your story.
I'll stay up with you for hours,
drain my phone battery,
show up and
cheer you on
as loudly as I can.

I'll tell you everything.
(Almost.)
Share those stories
and ramble nonsense.
Ask the right questions
and then the silly ones.
I'll tell you what I hope
for me,
for you,
for the world.

And then I'll tell you how scared I am.

I am put together and I am a mess.
Organized and prioritized,
disheveled and sloppy,
overextended and overwhelmed.
I fall into black holes
and don't reach up
or let anyone reach down.
I find my way out and redirect.
I am terrified of falling,
but I keep walking.

I hold on tightly to the people I love,
even when they don't know it.
I refuse to see this as a flaw.

I am an idealist and a realist.
Yes, I can be both.
I utterly fail to function outside of my values.
Meaning and connection
are at the core.
Have I told you today that I love you?
I am worth the effort
and I am enough.

"Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you."



Title and italic sections from "Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman
A back door or an open window, if you are here, you have found a way through... 

I've Said It Before...

... and I'll say it again: I am a text-book INFJ. I am always, always amazed at how accurately the INFJ personality descriptions articulate things about myself that I can't put into words.  I'm pasting this excerpt here as easy-access for myself (and a solid reminder of why I blog) and in the event that you may want to more about me than I know about myself.

things i LOVE right now

 Experiencing the same weather as NYC.

No more watching NYC splashed all over the media and wishing that I was a little closer to the warmer weather, the city lit up in the rain, the blizzards (last winter)... Oh, and friends & family, of course.  Now I look outside, check the NYC weather, and close my windows, because it's headed this way.  Love it & everything it stands for.

My mom's cooking on weekends.

Delicious.  Fresh.  Amazing.   Isn't a love for cooking supposed to be genetic?  Maybe it skips a generation?

My friends have desk jobs that allow for string emails or unconventional schedules that allow for unconventional times for phone chats.

Seventeen seems to be the lucky number that sit in the parenthesis next our names.  Mid-afternoon and mid-morning I'm reaching for my phone.  My gmail inbox & cell phone say my friends love me and I agree.  

My friends let me write emails with hash tags, three letter phrases usually without vowels (FTW!), and other social media/urban dictionary lexicon.

 And they still email me back! 

Caramel Macchiato Creamer.

I heard a rumor that there is a pumpkin spice flavored creamer.  Is this true?  Bee, can you verify this?  That may be even better, but I'm totally diggin' the Caramel Macchiato right now.  

The sheets of rain and whipping wind that make me feel cozy and safe inside.

I love rainy days.  With one exception, I have always loved rainy days.  Feeling warm and cozy in today's rain means that one exception has faded, and that may be the best thing ever.

The sound of a car outside that won't start and knowing that it isn't MY car that won't start in the rain. 

I know I shouldn't take pleasure in another person's distress, but did I ever tell you guys about the car I once had that would not start if when rained?  Oh, it was fun...  and no worries, that car outside did eventually start....

The fact that my car is parked in a garage right now, and I won't get soaking wet getting in and out of it. 

This one I'm gonna bookmark for mid-January also, when I'm loving that I don't have to clear the six inches of snow off my car every. single. morning.  (Hello, memories from Maine winter 2008/2009.) 

This article on introverts and the pages of info on INFJ career choices.

I took the MBPT my first year out of college, and it helped explain about 99% of everything I do, say (or don't say), and feel.   Although I'm a big advocate of not being boxed in by "labels", INFJ (and introvert) research helps me highlight my strengths and adjust for my weaknesses.  

This blog and YOU.

Thank you.