Showing posts with label tl;dr. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tl;dr. Show all posts

October 27, 2011

On Seattle


I watched Mount Rainier out my window as the plane ascended. The sun rising above the horizon, just below the rain clouds. I silently said a rushed goodbye as the plane broke into the clouds and I waited for the sadness to arrive. Unexpectedly and not a moment too soon, the plane busted through the clouds, now white and below us, into blue skies with a light yellow horizon, Mount Rainier to my left. I didn't have to rush this time; I didn't have to gush. Rainier and I both knew, I will return.

Although, that is the ending and I should start at the beginning.


I fell in love instantly, as I do with most cities. But Seattle had the feeling of arriving home; a comfort rivaled only by New York City, which some some ways is home. We took a taxi from the airport to the hotel, zipping down the highway, the signs aglow overhead; the 5 and 405 screaming for my attention. Los Angeles, of course, I noted without paying them the attention they craved; the only city with which I have ever fallen out of love. 

A dark shadow against the night sky held my attention instead. A tall evergreen tree stood still and quiet, strong and gentle, behind the signs and the almost-empty highway. "Welcome," it almost greeted me. If it could have, it would have nodded once; its eyes on mine from chin-fall to chin-rise. 

I traveled to Seattle for work, for the large, national conference we organize and execute once a year. I spent most of the nine days inside the hotel wrangling boxes, organizing materials, answering questions, and playing hostess-with-the-mostess. Already exhausting feats for an introvert, I began each day at 6am and worked until 9pm each day without much more than a deep-breath break. I didn't have a lot of time to spend with Seattle, but I did my best to get to know the skin and the soul of the city. 

Seattle gently coaxed me out of my quiet interior, asked the best questions, and listened intently as I spoke. The tall evergreens represent Seattle's people well. 

I met an older man selling his friend's paintings at the Public Market. He spotted my camera around my neck and asked if I had gotten any good photos. He was a photographer, offering advice when solicited and encouragement when I self-doubted. He didn't mention the painting and prints lying across his table until I asked specifically.

He was stepping in for a friend who came to the Market almost every day for the past thirty-four years. Both Brooklyn N.Y. natives, they met in Seattle, where this kind photographer came to visit for two weeks and ended up never leaving. He smiled at me knowingly when he said that. I squirmed and reminded myself how much I love the snow in the winter.

I asked about the artist and the paintings. I pointed to one I liked and he picked it up. The sign for the Public Market stood at the top, overseeing the people and colors below - just as I found the Market when I first walked down Pike Place to visit. The hands of the clock point to seventy-two, the age of the artist. Rachel The Pig, a large bronze piggy-bank designed to collect donations and utilized by tourists of all ages as a dual place to sit and a photo-op, stands below the sign. The image of the old man who plays the piano on the corner of Pine and the cobbled portion of Pike Place reminded me of the half-hour I stood in awe the humility in which he delivered a concierto - his melodies promising stories to tell and wisdom to share. He with his long white hair, worn in corduroy pants, and his plain, small brown piano, held in place at the bottom of the hill with wooden blocks. The painter put himself into the scene, and by the time I happened upon the painting, I already knew the Pike Place Market had a community of artistry and tales - a community that will now hang on my bedroom wall.

The most popular, loudest, and most visible vendor is the Pike Place Fish Co., which sits directly under the Public Market sign. The man I met the first day handed me samples of smoked salmon and teased me about my shutterbug behavior. He had a chiseled jaw, knit hat, and kind eyes. Almost all the men from Pike Place Fish Co. wore the fishing pants with suspenders, I will probably never know their proper name, and boots made for the deck of a fishing vessel. Most of them wore knit hats. I reminded myself not to get too attached and that they probably smelled like fish at the end of the day, even after they showered, and rolled into bed. But their voices boomed and their aim was impeccable and I watched them as long as I watched for the flying fish. 



Seattle wears gray well. I saw both blue skies and gray, but I will always think of the city as donning comforting shades of gray. The painting I purchased spills over with vibrant colors, nothing like the city proper, but everything like the colors of the Market. Vibrant bouquets of flowers, fresh fruit stands and artisan crafts; the Market gushes colors, energy, and vitality. 
 

Through the Market and down the stairs sits Puget Sound with Mount Rainier at attention to the left and the Olympic Mountains to the right. I unintentionally gasped when I first stepped out of the Market and into their view. Majestic, royal, and commanding, while the tree-lines of evergreens gaze at you from across the Sound. We took advantage of a clear day and rode to the top of the Space Needle, where we snapped photos and located the lake where we would have dinner on a houseboat later in the week. Grilled salmon, vegetables, and rice. On days without rain and conference attendees, we walked down to the piers and watched the sunset. On my one free morning, I rode the ferry to Brainbridge Island and walked the coast for a bit, stopping for soup in a coffee shop. 



I decided to buy books in Seattle. I decided to buy books while I was in Seattle and promised myself to buy books when I arrived back to D.C. Remember how much you wanted a library when you grew up? You need books to have a library.  Seattle grabbed me by the hand and firmly reminded me of so much I had forgotten. There are still book stores in Seattle. The kind with creaky wooden stairs and the kind that sell local zines. Vonnegut is held behind the counter and I had no idea Howard Zinn had written another book. I spent at least an hour in one small bookstore not worried that the mismatched wooden shelves would fall on me and yet probably not minding if they did. 

In yet, another book store, I managed to weave together extroversion and introversion, striking up a conversation with the employees and stepping back into my own thoughts seamlessly. "The pace of life here is so much more relaxed than the east coast." I would hear this countless times and wonder if my blood-shot eyes and tired smile gave away the fact that I am an east-coaster who struggles with work-life, stop-go balance. "Enjoy your Saturday in your office," she said to the eastern seaboard, "I'm going hiking." It was an acknowledgment and dismissal of a lifestyle east-coasters create and then embrace. A lifestyle I forgot standing in those bookstores.

I intended to spend more time in coffee shops, reading and writing and watching the rain. But I was short on time and the sun shined brilliantly on the hours I had to sight-see, so I kept moving. I popped in and out of a few coffee shops and made plans un-kept to spend more time in one with an industrial looking barista station amid a dark-wooded library, resembling the early 1900s. The walls shelved books from floor to ceiling and donned wooden ladders that wheeled from corner to corner. A promise to spend more time there, unfulfilled but not forgotten. The same sentiment applies to the entire Capitol Hill area's vintage clothing boutiques, art galleries, skateboard shops, trendy but unpretentious small restaurants, and of course, the unexplored coffee shops. 
I left too quickly and too early. I left feeling I had not yet met the person who would change my life, the person who would teach me to slow down and listen even more closely - to myself, to others, to life. If that person is another version of myself, I only got a glimpse of her and that is not enough. I left with stories untold and I know I will return.


Upon departure, my greatest hope is that I can carry the gaze of the evergreens with me until I return.


September 13, 2011

Honesty and Something More



I practiced smiling at my reflection in the store window before I walked through the doors. It looked strained and felt tight and I worried that it would never feel natural again. The night temperature dropped below seasonable; I assumed I looked ridiculous in a winter jacket on a mid October evening. I walked in that evening and watched the floor numbers rise without caring enough about the tight smile and the unseasonable winter coat and the sense that this evening mattered. I dismissed and dismissed and dismissed.

I knew his face, his stature before the elevator doors opened. His eyes met mine on a warm June night during a rare break in the summer rain. On the outside beer garden deck where I drank a glass of wine ordered by a man who didn't have to ask while I sat with my best and my best and my best and still had it all together. Together but restless. Ready to run, ready to break free. Ready for something else, something more. Before the rain stole the summer, before I learned to turn on the faucet to muffle sobs each afternoon, before I felt the sting of failure and dark nights of lost. Before the tight smile, before the cold October night, his eyes found mine on a June night from across the deck. I turned away and smiled. And sank gently into the warm night air.

I spotted him from across the room when I stepped out of the elevator and he confirmed when he stood up. I dropped my napkin right before or right in the middle or right after introductions. He quickly swiped it up for me and handed it across the table as I took a deep breath and quickly tried to assess whether or not I cared and how tight my smile felt. I didn't have the heart for any of it; I dismissed and dismissed and dismissed.

The minutes and the tightness melted away. I thought of my reflection in the dark window before I walked in the doors. The silhouette and stretched smile. What's really there now, below and below and below? I couldn't answer, so I talked about everything else. Honest with him, but hardly with myself. As shelled as I felt, he put me at ease. Calm and safe, despite and in spite - an admirable feat for that season.

When we looked over my shoulder at the empty room and realized it was time to leave, we made a detour from the elevator on the way down, stopping on a floor straight from a horror movie. I thought about running. Faster and faster down the long hall until we landed in a heap of laughter and hiccups at the end. Instead, I smiled quietly and dismissed the thought, that act of freedom. But the smile stayed, as I drove out of the parking garage that night and slipped quietly into bed.

And I went about my week.

The second night I wanted pull his sweatshirt over my head, still zipped up, and walk down by the pier. I wanted to jump into the water without feeling its chill and dunk myself under and under and under until I could breath again. I wanted to crawl into his car and blast the heat until I fell asleep with my hand over his heart. Instead we went to the quaint place I suggested for drinks and sat at a tiny table and looked everywhere but at each other and sighed and both went home and said that this probably wasn't going to work. I said it out loud and crawled into bed believing in nothing more than black nail polish and the sound of the pouring rain, but he said it directly to me shortly after. And I said, yes, that is fine, and I thought yes, that is fine.

And I got to work breathing life into my own lungs. (It has taken years.)

My junior year of college, a boy called me out on my beliefs not aligning with my heart. At that point in time, no one had navigated my heart better than he and somewhere, somehow he found a key, a door, and a lock that matched. It knocked the wind out of me, the fact that he was right.

Alignment has never been my specialty. (It has been years.)

I have done the work. I have cried the tears and written the words and unearthed the buried parts and healed the cuts and spent the time and asked the hard questions and packed the bags and danced the steps and sang the lyrics and took deep breaths and spoke honestly and honored my values and let go and held on tightly.

I know now.

I believe in hard work. I believe in kindness. I believe in words. I believe in plans and savings accounts. Emergency money in the glove compartment and checking twice to make sure the iron is off. I believe in saying thank you sincerely. I believe in health insurance and car insurance and any kind of insurance, really. I believe in the practical, the rational.

I believe in sunsets over the Pacific ocean. I believe in coffee each morning and in saying goodnight before bed. I believe in holding hands with my friends and writing emails at midnight. Hooded sweatshirts and maple candy. Full moons and wishes on shooting stars. I believe in tears, tears from laughter and tears from sorrow. I believe in the magic of everyday.

How easy it is to believe in the practical, rational, everyday. How easy it is for me to be honest about these beliefs. Honest to you. Honest to me.

After those chilly October nights, our paths crossed again not so long ago. I was surprised, and I got goose-bumps and tongue-tied and I grabbed her hand. Two years later, on a Saturday night with friends turned family, I had an easy smile, a light heart, and a sharp memory. I know now, what is below, and below, and below. And I wished I could have suggested a walk to the pier and a promise not to dive into the water. He would have said no. And I would have said that’s fine. I believe in the rational as much as I believe in the magic of everyday.

I found myself face-to-face with him the other night. In the corner of a dark, abandoned warehouse where he sat on an old, broken chair and I perched on the edge of a torn blue sofa. I believed it too late and inconsequential, but I took a deep breath and emptied honesty into the hopeless space. I started from the beginning and told him everything. And then I told him something more. Without hope, I released, my eyes on his hands until the words stopped and I looked up. His eyes met mine. Full of everything I hadn’t known to hope for.

I woke up.

I woke up uncertain of where I was. Certain I had been floating on a cloud of nirvana and uncertain of anything else. What had been a dream and what had been true? The sky grey, before the sun broke through.

There is something more. I believe in something more. I believe in June nights, when I find myself  smiling to myself and sinking softly into the warm night. I have to start being honest about that, if not with anyone else, then at least with myself. I have to align my heart with my beliefs. I have to be honest that I was not surprised our paths crossed again a few weeks ago. Perhaps that’s rational, perhaps that’s something more. And maybe, I don’t have to decide which.

I believe in more than black nail polish and pouring rain. I believe in the rational, I believe in the magic of everyday, and I believe in something more.